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WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2010

Natural Horsemanship as it Relates to Parenting

I was thinking the other day how natural horsemanship really does apply to all areas of my life. It affects how I relate to people and especially how I am with my son.

Because I only have one child, I really don’t know if my observations that relate the way Ben responds to my methods are really accurate – I haven’t exactly had a lot of different case studies! But the way I approach parenting (and urge my husband to do the same) is with consistency, a whole lot of love, a sense of fun and a sense of justice.

Ben is nearly two-years-old and a really interesting little person. The other day, he took a round cork trivet and a pair of oven mitts out of a kitchen drawer, put the mitts on and carried the trivet around, proudly showing me his ‘pizza’. I never cease to be amazed at the things he comes up with all on his own.

And wow, if you want to know how emotionally fit you are, just try being the primary caregiver of a young child in pain. Some children are easy teethers – Ben is not! Before he was five months old, his first teeth came in. Since then, we’ve had months and months and months of teething. For both for Ben and for those around him, the sleepless nights and misery can last for ages – for example, he’s been working on his two year molars since December and it is now June and they’re still not in! I was happy that I came into this with more emotional fitness and more awareness of my emotional state and how to change it than I used to have. It has also clearly shown me some areas that need improvement!

Aside from the whole teething thing, Ben is a really happy kid. He has and understands his boundaries; he has determination but knows that if he is really struggling, we will help him out; he trusts us implicitly and feels safe with us. He knows that he won’t be told that he can do something today and then be reprimanded for doing it tomorrow. He understands when he makes a mistake that we still love him, and he has shown us the value of repeating things over and over (and over and over) again with patience and understanding.

I’m not a perfect parent, but natural horsemanship has sure helped me be better than I otherwise would have. And really, I think that parenting has helped me to be better with my horses.

POSTED BY CELENA AT 6:09 PM      4 COMMENTS     POST A COMMENT
CATEGORIES: EMOTIONAL FITNESS, HORSEPEOPLE - A BREED OF OUR OWN, LAYING THE FOUNDATION, MY FAMILY, REPETITION

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2009

New Year, New Resolution

Tomorrow, it will be 2010. Have you made your resolutions yet?

While lots of people’s New Year resolutions center around becoming more physically active, my resolution is a bit different – to really focus on getting emotionally fit.

I realized the other day that I have much more in control of my emotions when I’m out with my horses than in other areas of my life. Out there, I see difficulties as puzzles that I haven’t yet worked out. I reward my horses just for trying to understand me. I analyze my horses’ personalities and try to understand exactly what their ideas are.

I’m better at mastering my emotions when I’m with my horses because it’s what I’ve trained myself to do.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this over the past few days, looking at the correlations between natural horsemanship and the rest of my life. Doing natural horsemanship really is like therapy – it makes you think about and address all sorts of problems that are mirrored in your own life. Sometimes it makes you see things about yourself that you aren’t particularly proud of.

My sister, Anna-Marie, was telling me about emotional reactions the other day. She’d been reading this book, My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist who writes about her experiences and epiphanies after experiencing a stroke herself.

Ms. Bolte Taylor says that when something happens to you, the first 90 seconds of emotional response after the incident is pure reaction – we can’t control it since it has to do with our biochemistry. But after that, the way we react is dependent on the circuits that we’ve created in our brains – if we continue to feel the emotion after that initial 90 seconds, we need to look at the thought patterns that are replaying this response over and over again.

Translation: after 90 seconds, how we respond is our choice, whether we are aware of it or not.

To change these circuits takes real focus – a real determination to change. The easiest thing to do is to let the circuits continue – but the healthiest thing, for us and our all of our relationships is to make a conscious effort to change how we react. Let yourself feel that strong emotion for one-and-a-half minutes – and then decide how you want to react.

So this is my New Year’s resolution, typed up here for all the world to see (just for some added accountability!): I am going to think about my reactions and decide how I want to respond, not just go along with the pre-programmed reflexes. I am going to focus on my emotional fitness.

P.S. If this kind of thing interests you, Jill Bolte Taylor explains the basics in an interview: http://www.bleepingherald.com/apr2008/taylor?page=0%2C1

POSTED BY CELENA AT 2:03 PM      0 COMMENTS     POST A COMMENT
CATEGORIES: ANNA-MARIE, APPLYING NH, EMOTIONAL FITNESS, HORSEPEOPLE - A BREED OF OUR OWN, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009

Ben Meets Owl

I was out at the barn with my fifteen-month-old son, Ben, a few days ago on a day off. We were going around, playing in the dirt and with the animals. Luckily for me, Ben absolutely loves animals and the outdoors. On my days off, when I still want to go up and visit the ponies, he is always happy to accompany me and get just as dirty as he possibly can. I don’t mind – I’m just happy that he’s happy out there!

My business partner, Anna, was riding one of our horses in for training while Ben and I tottered around. We would go over and watch the horse’s progress for a little while, then go find some animals to play with. I was trying to encourage Ben to play close to the arena so I could see how the horse was going, so I pointed out a plastic owl that lives on a post beside the arena. He seemed interested, so I picked him up to have a better look at it.

Well, I’m not sure if it was the staring yellow eyes or the black beak, but my animal-loving little boy started shaking and crying, scared half to death of this fake bird. I had never seen him have that kind of reaction to anything, and I quickly moved away from the owl and reassured my son.

Once Ben had calmed down, we went back over, this time to the back of the bird where there was no scary face. I scratched the owl’s plastic body, and Ben was intrigued by the noise. I would scratch it, then suggest he scratch it.

Using this technique, we slowly moved around to the front of the owl, making the funny sound on its plastic feathers. If Ben got worried, we’d move away from the face; a few minutes later we would once again make our way towards the fierce face. Within a few minutes, Ben realized that the big staring owl wasn’t a bogeyman.

In the meantime, Anna had ridden over to the fence and was letting the horse ‘soak’ while she watched me and Ben with the owl. She started laughing, and said, “Celena, do you realized that you just desensitized Ben to that owl the way you would desensitize a horse?”

As soon as I became immersed in natural horsemanship, like many others, I recognized that the philosophy was applicable in many areas of my life. But I can’t say that I ever expected to use advance and retreat with my child!

POSTED BY CELENA AT 6:52 PM      0 COMMENTS     POST A COMMENT
CATEGORIES: ANNA, APPLYING NH, HORSEPEOPLE - A BREED OF OUR OWN, MY FAMILY

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2009

The Pursuit of Unconscious Competence

I didn’t come up with the idea of the pursuit of unconscious competence and the steps involved in getting there on my own. One of my mentors passed on this pearl of wisdom, and I think of it often. Like everyone who’s passionate about what they do, we horsepeople want to attain a level of ‘unconscious competence’ in all areas of our horsemanship.

Think about something that you know how to do so well, you don’t have to think about it – like typing or driving. In fact, if someone asked you where the ‘a’ key on the keyboard or the brake in your car is, you’d probably have to think about it. You have developed muscle memory and habit; your body knows what to do, and it requires very little thought to complete the task. This is unconscious competence.

Unfortunately, the road to unconscious competence in horsemanship is often a bumpy one, involving many mistakes and many, many hours. Most people who get into horses start at unconscious incompetence, for a little while, at least – and many people never leave. They have no idea just how incompetent they are with horses. And if you’re not aware that you are incompetent at something, it’s hard to improve. There is no progress, no forward momentum. After all, you can do everything already! (Or so you think.)

Getting to the next stage of conscious incompetence is a great achievement. Even though it’s an uncomfortable, awkward and often frustrating place, being there is great! You know that you’re doing something – some days it may feel like everything! – wrong, which generally makes you want to improve. Moving on to this second stage is vital if you are serious about horsemanship – or anything else. It motivates you to seek answers – read, watch DVDs, attend clinics, talk to people. By being aware of your own shortcomings, you are inspired to improve.

Conscious competence comes next – you are competent at the task, but you haven’t formed the habits yet. At this point, your body still needs your mind to reason things out, to walk it through the steps. But you’re getting it. Things are making sense, things are working. You are having more and more fun every day.

And then comes the sought-after state of unconscious competence. You know where any one of your gelding’s feet are at any given time. You know just what your mare needs to work through her anxiety. Your timing is exact. You don’t have to think about it; you just know. Unconscious competence is what the horsemasters have achieved.

Once you break free of unconscious incompetence, you will quickly find that you are consciously competent at many things, but may also be consciously incompetent in many areas. It’s okay – everyone who ever got anywhere in their horsemanship had to go through the conscious incompetence stage. Persevere, play around with things and ask for support when you need it.

I have a lot of conscious incompetencies – and one of my greatest fears (right up there with bees and small children) is that I’m still unconsciously incompetent in some areas. It can be hard to break free of your own assumptions, and I find that having people to talk to about ideas and problems is invaluable. I also have many conscious competences and a few good basic skills that I don’t have to think about anymore.

What about you?

POSTED BY CELENA AT 7:50 PM      0 COMMENTS     POST A COMMENT
CATEGORIES: ASPIRING HORSEMAN, HORSEPEOPLE - A BREED OF OUR OWN, UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 2009

Hotel California (aka The Horse World)

Hi, my name is Celena and I have a horse problem. If I went to therapy, I might get diagnosed with a horse obsession – so I don’t go to therapy. But I can admit it; I’m a horseperson.

In our home, you’ll find as many photographs of my horses as of my family – maybe even more. The wedding photo that is prominently displayed in our dining room is not of me and my wonderfully supportive husband, but of me in my wedding dress astride my big black horse. At my maternity photo shoot – well, okay, there were a few photos of the proud parents to be. But most of the shots are of me, my belly full of bouncing baby boy, and my lovely filly, Glory.

As I said, I have a horse problem.

Our herd keeps growing – and with it, the amount of tack and equipment. Tack and feed stores are danger zones for my wallet. The horse books don’t fit on our bookcase anymore. We have to keep the VCR because some of my favorite natural horsemanship programs are on video tapes. And my son was introduced to his pony before he was born.

I tried to leave the horse world a few times – when I just wasn’t having fun anymore because I realized that my horses weren’t having fun, either. But I kept getting drawn back in, unable to stay away for long, and eventually I found the fun again in natural horsemanship. I finally came to the conclusion that entering the horse world is like the Eagles’ Hotel California – “you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”!

Sound familiar? I thought so. We are horsepeople – we can’t help it, we’re addicted. We are a breed of our own, an eclectic group of people bound together by a common love of horses that none of us really understands. We don’t really know why we love horses, all we know is that we do and always will. Hopefully you, too, are blessed with indulgent families – goodness only knows it takes a lot of understanding to be saddled with a horseperson!

And no, hunny, we didn’t name our son after a horse. The fact that the name of one of my favorite jumpers of all time was Big Ben is just a coincidence. I just like the name Ben. Really.

POSTED BY CELENA AT 6:02 PM      0 COMMENTS     POST A COMMENT
CATEGORIES: HORSEPEOPLE - A BREED OF OUR OWN, MY FAMILY